Kegels are a Girl’s Best Friend

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God bless the male doctor who discovered this pelvic floor exercise and all that it continues to achieve for humankind, but it’s high time to change the name of this act. “Kegel” just sounds too… well, so innocent, so wholesome, so cutesy – like an ideal name for a General Mills kids’ breakfast cereal that’s brimming with pastel-colored urethral-sphincter shaped marshmallows (whole grain!!) Slap some conniving cartoon rabbit or pirate on the box and kids will scarf it down faster than you can utter the phrase “urinary incontinence.”

Yum.

Or maybe it seems like a great name for a new puppy. I can see it now: I’ll beat Marley and Me author Jon Groban at his game and write my own hit movie about a rascal dog and the comedic havoc he leaves in his wake. I’ll aptly title it “Kegel and Me,” and it’ll star Jennifer Aniston (her pelvic muscles will get second billing to her). But instead of the dog (spoiler alert!) dying at the end, he’ll be quickly dropped off at the shelter because he’s continuously looting the trash to indulge in some delectably dumped-in adult diapers.

Because that’s what lies in tanned and talented Jennifer Aniston’s future, too, if she doesn’t do her daily squeezes and releases… adult diapers.

Adult diapers. These two simple words make women shiver in their g-strings. Imagine a Girl’s Night Out with that swish and bunch action. Do you really think you can get your swag on while you soak up the pee from a strong sneeze? Hope you got enough perfume for Valentine’s Day to mask that potty-training-toddler smell you’d be emitting.

Have I filled you with horror yet? Better jump-start your Kegeling to ward off the pelvic paranoia! In fact, the optimal place to “Kegel” is at a traffic spotlight. If the timed lights in your city drag on as long as in mine do, you’ll easily get to 50 Kegels before “green” means “GO.” Why, that should put you in The Guinness Book of World Records – better than an Olympian, and WITHOUT performance enhancing drugs! That’s Presidential Fitness Award level, Baby!

But you know, Kegels really ARE a girl’s best friend! Not to mention, they heighten your and your partner’s sexual pleasure as well! So when I take this name change idea as a proposed law all the way to Congress, I can proudly present it to House Speaker John Boehner, who might just sympathize, seeing that his name is quite misleadingly innocent, too…

So what new name do YOU think we should give this blessed squeeze-release exercise? Drip your ideas into the comments section below.

 

 

 

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Lana Hanson

Lana Hanson has no college degree, no awards, no “touring poet” accolades. She’s blessed to run a brush through multiplying grey head-hairs, to feel crows’ feet deepening grooves around her eyes. She’s finally started to admire herself. She aims to raise women and children up from poverty, oppression, doubt, and silence because she has faced all of these.
Lana was published at www.desertcompanion.com and also at www.hypertexts.com where she was the Spotlight Poet for two months. She is also a regular blogger at www.hormonesmatter.com.
Born in Flint, MI, Lana Hanson now lives in Las Vegas, NV, with her two sardonic sons, 13 and 17, three perpetually vomiting cats, one farting dog and a 72-year-old boy-toy in our Crazy Quilt House.

2 Comments

  1. You have such a knack for comedic, yet extremely relatable material. I love it! Keep writing and I’ll keep reading 🙂 <3

    Far as the name for Kegal, haha, wish I could come up with something but I'm too busy laughing at all this great imagery.

  2. I propose the name “MISTRO” an acronym for ‘aM I Squeezing The Right One?’, because for the couple of decades that I’ve been doing them, I still don’t know for sure if I’m working out the proper mucsle group down there.
    Plus it has the added bonus of sounding enough like mysterious to not be connotated as innocent.
    Actually on further relflection, maybe I will make this my middle aged super hero psydonym.

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