Not By The Hair of My Chinny-Chin-Chin!

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Lana Hanson
NEWS ALERT! Researchers have worked around the clock to discover a direct correlation between the physical phenomenon of unwanted facial hair — known as Hirsutism — that some women grow at the onset of middle age, and another rapidly emerging, emotional disease that’s affecting pre-menopausal women — which scientists have aptly named the “AW HELL NAWS!!!”

In the wake of the physical malady of hirsutism, tweezer sales and waxing services have risen sharply of late for women in the 35-40 year old demographic. Doctors’ offices are now flooded with frantic women who’ve looked in the mirror and found long, thick chin whiskers on their otherwise easy, breezy, beautiful Cover Girl faces. Panic has ensued: Testosterone’s taken the wheel, while Estrogen’s passive-aggressively griping from the hormonal back seat.

Emotional data reveals that “Deep depression is afflicting men worldwide- everywhere from Battle Axe to Timbuktu. Quite suddenly, men (even gigolos) in relationships with previously sugar-and-spice/everything-nice women just simply trying to float previously successful pick-up lines are being shut down — hard — by abrasive, impatient, uncooperative women. Men are feeling an odd combination of both “getting their heads bit off” and “losing their balls to gals’ purses.”

Reports are, this emotional epidemic has taken precedence over all other governmental concerns and even travelled as far up the executive branch as The White House, where First Lady Michelle Obama (who may or may not have chin hairs) has perfected the “Eye Roll” symptom and sent even The Commander in Chief to lie and whimper on the Oval Office carpet with Bo, the First Dog. Seems that the triumphant slogan “Yes We Can!” has been trumped by a new one: “Aw Hell Naw!!!” It has been documented that Hilary Clinton’s sent a sympathetic tweet to Michelle that reads, “‘Bout time, Girl. Welcome to the Dark Side!”

A Navy Seals team’s been assembled to swiftly take down any female bordering on this kind of “time of the month” female guerilla terrorism against the male gender. The Terror Alert Chart’s set at Code Red…in particular, Bitch Red.

The world’s leading scientists went straight to work when this phenomenon first raised its bristly head, devising controlled studies to analyze it. The research evidently got off to a great start, as lab rats proved compliant in the experiments. But all tests came to a screeching halt when the studies attempted to replace rats with middle-aged women. Why? Because the women subjects’ response to this was (have you guessed already?) “AW HELL NAW!!!”

Latest reports are that all further scheduled studies along these lines have been scrapped.

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