As I embark on my surgery in a couple of days, I have come to terms with the fact that I could possibly wake up with the hysterectomy I have wanted for 5 years. I will not know for sure if the doctor will do the hysterectomy, as she is not willing to do the procedure unless there are complications. Is it bad to wish for complications? I want it all out. I have weighed the pros and cons. I know the hysterectomy provides only a 50/50 chance of getting better, but I am done with this disease. Fifteen years of suffering with endometriosis is enough.
I am afraid of what will happen to my hormones after the hysterectomy. I am not quite prepared for the wrath of raging hormones. Maybe I will just wake up with the tubes and left ovary gone. Maybe I am not yet facing the reality of what may come. I have begged and pleaded for a hysterectomy for so many years, but for some reason they would not do it. My doctor wants to try removing my tubes first and my left ovary to see what happens. I guess she is right. I should try this surgery one more time because my first surgery was so successful, in 2007. If it wasn’t for the post-surgery pelvic inflammatory disease that wreaked havoc on my insides, maybe I would be feeling better now.
I just don’t want to have another surgery after this. After this I am done and that is why deep inside I hope she removes everything.
This is a difficult decision to make, probably just as difficult as having to pull the plug on someone you know is not going to make it. You sit there with that thought in your mind “What if?” It is one of the most serious decisions of my life. I can’t take it back if it all goes wrong. I have to live with it.
The truth is, all the side effects don’t matter to me right now at all. I don’t want my woman parts anymore. I don’t want to have to go back and forth for all the tests only to end in tears and to be rejected my doctors who show no empathy when it comes to the survival of this disease. This choice is my decision to make mine and mine alone. I have listened to so many people and read so many stories but, in the end, I am sick of the cycle, sick of this disease, sick of the drugs, and just sick and tired of being sick and tired.
If she does not remove everything and I have no relief after this surgery, I will be looking for a surgeon that will remove it. I am 100% sure about this. I wasn’t sure before.
Thank you everyone who posted their thoughts, encouragement and concerns. I took them all in and made my decision. I just needed to be at peace with it. I am now. Wish me well. I will post again after the surgery.
My surgery is scheduled for February 28th.