endo husband Archives - Hormones Matter

When Your Wife Has Endometriosis

Published on March 14, 2017

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For the first two wonderful amazing years of our life together, it all seemed like a dream. Everything was a dream; no fighting (still don’t), no needing time apart only wanting to spend time with one another. Everything was perfect. It was just how I pictured a perfect marriage should be. We tried to start a family but were having a difficult time because my wife had PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). After six months of trying, we sought the help of a fertility doctor.

February 2016, we had just moved in to our new apartment, and had all the hope in the world that this was our year. My wife started her medications and we followed the rules and guidelines for us to start our family. One night we were talking on our deck about the future, where we should move to raise our family, where we could afford rent and still be close to her parents as they were very excited for grand babies. When we tried to get inside, we noticed that the door had locked behind us and now we were stuck on our deck (thank the universe it was summer). After a long while, we got help and made it inside to go to bed. Then all of the sudden my wife’s pain and discomfort shot up from a high 6 that it had been at for at least a week to about a 10.

We went to the hospital, and after waiting for what seemed like forever, we finally saw a doctor. He said bluntly that my wife had a softball-sized cyst that was causing her pain. They never told us this on her last ER visit, which was 4 days prior to this one. At that visit, they brushed off her pain and she was given pills to “help” with her pain until it passed. How could they have not seen a softball-sized cyst?

After many more hours of IV pain meds and no eating, she had emergency surgery. She ended up her losing a fallopian tube because it had been twisted and was dead from the cyst. As she recovered, it was not long before she could not move again because the pain was back and at times was so much worse.

She stopped eating from the pain and lost so much weight. She was in such a dark place it was all I could do not too just cry and beg her not to give up. One night we went to another hospital, one because the ER had quicker wait times, but for another doctors opinion. That is when a simple sentence from that amazing doctor’s mouth changed everything. She said, “I think you may have endometriosis,” and asked if they saw any endometriosis during the surgery. These words will haunt me until my grave.

After what seemed like every possible test they could run, they finally agreed to do another surgery to look for endometriosis. Sure as shit, they found it and “burnt it out”. Since that surgery, nothing has changed, except for the worse. I have read what feels like everything I can find on endometriosis. I came across another man’s perspective on dealing with his wife’s endometriosis and it made me tear up because I know the feeling. There is a gut wrenching feeling of helplessness, a feeling as if you have let your wife down for not being able to take any pain away, how the only thing you can do is make sure everything is good and that she has nothing to worry about. I try to make sure she feels taken care of. I try to help her feel as good as she can while battling this.

The good days are amazing and it is as if all of this becomes a distant scary memory but it can change it a heartbeat. One minute everything is good and the next, she just wants to lay down and rest because the pain is kicking her ass. There are 3am pep talks that keep her grounded and feeling positive in a world of what has quickly become negative. There are special dinners brought home to her to make her feel more human than she has all day.

One of the hardest parts for me is the helplessness. It is an overwhelming pit of darkness to look in to the eyes of the love of my life and help her believe as strongly as I do there is still hope for a pain free future, that all of this will be nothing more of a bad memory for her and for us. The absolute hardest is to not be able to have children with my wife, that we made ourselves. It is a tearing feeling. One second I feel fine and the next it feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and crushed in front of me.

Since day one of her battle with this gut wrenching disease I told her, and have reminded her, for better or worse, in sickness and health. I said those words with all my heart and for the rest of my days and beyond I mean them. The only advice I can give for the boyfriends, girlfriends, wives and husbands is be there, don’t brush it off like so many do in the world. If it is three in the morning and they need to talk, listen. If they need something to help them feel better, get them that. Even if it is the last of your money until payday. They ask for it because it might just make it a good day instead of a bad day. Remind them you are not going anywhere and that you are in it for the long haul. It might seem like you keep saying it, but to them it means the world to hear those words. Tell them they are loved and supported in this fight. They may already know that but it makes them feel special.

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Endometriosis: A Husband’s Perspective

by Jeremy Bridge-Cook, PhD

Published on March 10, 2014

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For the third time this week, I’m on my own helping the kids with their homework, driving them to and from sports activities, feeding them dinner, cleaning up the kitchen, and putting them to bed. My wife is upstairs in bed, in pain that is so excruciating that the only way she can cope by the end of the day is to load up on painkillers and sleeping pills and go to bed as early as possible. While ferrying the kids to their activities, I spend the drive worrying about how my wife is holding up, particularly emotionally. This is not an unusual occurrence for her. And for me, worrying about my wife is part of the life of being an endo husband.

My wife has had endometriosis since she was 13, but it only became debilitating when she was in her 30s. In the last decade or so, she has tried every type of medical and alternative treatment available, searching for solutions to her pain and many other related symptoms and secondary complications. Every day, we talk about how she’s doing that day. She rates her various organs on a pain scale of one to ten. “My bladder is a 7 this morning, unfortunately, but my gastrointestinal system is only a 3, and my uterus and chest pain are barely noticeable, so today isn’t too bad so far.” After the morning pain report, we often discuss medication strategy and any other health-related topics, trying to come up with the best plan for that day for my wife to minimize pain and get the most out of her day. This type of conversation is also part of being an endo husband.

Endometriosis is a particularly complex disease because it can affect almost any organ in the body. Every patient experiences it in her own unique, but usually excruciating, way. An implication of this fact is that, ideally, a team of specialists (especially surgeons) is needed to provide the best care possible for this disease, led by a highly trained laparoscopic excision surgeon/gynecologist. Unfortunately, this type of care is rarely available. More typically, women are simply prescribed one type of hormone therapy or another, and sent home to cope as well as they can. Their pain is often explained away by doctors as being either hypochondriacal, or drug-seeking. Considering how common and debilitating this disease is, the quality of care for most women is truly appalling. As a husband who has watched his wife suffer terribly for years, I have had a close-up, but second-hand, education in what it is like to have a chronic disease that the medical system doesn’t care much about.

Years ago, my wife and I would have discussions about how she should handle conversations with friends and colleagues about her disease. As a naturally introverted person, it went against my wife’s instincts to talk about her body and symptoms in a frank way, especially since her period or ovulations were inherently involved in her symptoms, not to mention organs such as bladder and bowels. My position was always the same: “Just tell them the truth. Don’t hide anything or gloss over anything. Why should you? You haven’t done anything wrong!” Eventually, my wife got used to having these types of conversations. It makes some people uncomfortable, but that’s their problem, not hers.

As an endo husband, I have gradually come to feel a sense of disgust and outrage at how ignored this disease, and the women who suffer from it, are. Research is virtually non-existent compared to other major diseases. Coordinated care is rare. Misconceptions and misinformation, even among gynecologists, is rampant. There is no standard of care, no evidence-based treatment guideline. Women are left to figure it out largely on their own.

Incredibly, my wife is in many ways one of the luckier victims of this disease. She is a Ph.D. scientist, so she can research the scientific and clinical literature while trying to determine the best care possible. She has a strong network of family and friends (including many women with endo). She was able to keep a half-time job until recently. And we have three beautiful children to help keep her motivated to fight this disease tooth and nail, even when it’s at its most discouraging and hopeless.

When my wife asked me if I would be interested in writing a brief article about endo from the perspective of a support person, I quickly agreed. I welcomed the opportunity to make the same plea to all women with endo that I made years ago to my wife. Please, tell anyone who asks how you are doing the whole truth. Don’t hide anything or gloss over anything. After all these years of watching my wife struggle and suffer, there’s one thing I’ve learned the hard way: The only way this disease will stop being invisible and ignored is if all women affected by it (and their partners) speak up together, and demand change. This is what endometriosis awareness month is all about. And this is my fervent hope as an endo husband.

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