New Study: Bras Make Breasts Saggier

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Well, ladies, it finally looks like it’s “high” time to unhook our restrictive bras once and for all! I’m almost tempted to wipe a tear, fire up the BBQ grill, lay these worn, sad slings down and play a lil’ “Taps” using my palm and sweaty armpit for accompaniment.

Freedom never felt so sweet!

The reason behind my relieved rant? The published results of a study led by research professor Jean-Denis Rouillon which state that “Medically, physiologically, and anatomically- breasts gain no benefit from being denied gravity.” In short: Us broads are better off without the bra!

WHOO! HOO!

He came to this conclusion using nothing but a simple slide rule, a caliper, and fifteen years of going eyeballs to nipples of 330 women participants.

But really, ANY anxious teenage boy could’ve let us know this “scientific” finding in less than five minutes into a full and proper make-out session, saving us billions and putting the brassiere business in bankruptcy.

But this new bra-less lifestyle brings up a new dilemma for busty girls like me. All these years my deep, cavernous cups have been used less for lifting than for catching… as in catching the crumbs of my meals! The list goes on and on: Pie crumbles, popcorn kernels, even dollops of ice cream have slipped to the catcher’s mitt of my DDs! All these gathered together could make for pretty awesome trail mix! Unless…

Unless I somehow land a date with North Korea ‘s chubby cheeked leader Kim Jong Un!! As you know, he’s been making threats about shooting off missiles over there. Maybe I could stop him in two ways. I could ditch the stupid bra and let the ravenous face of that hungry dictator nibble at my cleavage, scavenging for scraps in there! And I could use my big bra to catch any missiles he launches! Talk about the best of both worlds!

With genius ideas like these, I really should be working at The United Nations, right?

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