DVT

Birth Control Induced Pulmonary Emboli: Sudden and Slow

8745 views

Pulmonary emboli are notoriously difficult to diagnose clinically, especially in otherwise healthy young women. The early signs include such nondescript symptoms as breathing difficulties, chest or back pain, and fatigue; symptoms that are easily attributable to a host of viral and bacterial infections or other less serious respiratory conditions. As a result, and more often than not, it is not until complete hemodynamic collapse that PE is considered; a point at which survival is significantly less likely. Even then, for young women the prospect of pulmonary emboli is not always on the differential. We saw this repeatedly in our pilot study, the Real Risk Birth Control and Blood Clots study where the prospect of birth control induced blood clots was rarely considered. From a review of records and case stories, blood clots seemed only to be considered after everything else was ruled out. That is, they were near the bottom, if not absolutely last, on the diagnostic differential. When the emboli were in the lungs, this refusal to consider contraceptive induced hyper-coagulation has deadly consequences.

When we consider that the most commonly recognized risk associated with hormonal birth control are blood clots, one cannot help but wonder why birth control-induced blood clots are not automatically ruled out when women present to the ER in crisis, but they are not. Time and time again, the early signs of an imminent crisis were dismissed by healthcare practitioners. Neither the deep vein thrombi that frequently preceded the pulmonary emboli by as much as a month, nor the pulmonary emboli were immediately recognized. And as we reported previously, recognition was equally labored in women who developed cerebral venous thrombi, brain clots, often requiring 2-3 ER visits before the diagnosis is even considered. I am not sure why there is such a total break down in clinical acuity when it comes to birth control-induced blood clots, but by all accounts, there is.

Perhaps our familiarity with these drugs has bred a false sense of safety; one so firmly entrenched that even when faced with evidence to the contrary, when life or death hang in balance, we cannot bring ourselves to acknowledge their risks. Perhaps so strong is our desire and need to have effective birth control options, that we employ a sort of willful ignorance about the risks. Or more cynically, perhaps we have simply been duped by Madmen inspired, pharmaceutical funded half-truths and platitudes.

Whatever the reasons, the patient reports suggest that when confronted with evidence of blood clots, all involved tend to dismiss the possibility until all other causes are ruled out. Physicians especially seem reticent to consider blood clots, forgetting entirely that hormonal birth control hyperactivates blood coagulation cascades in favor of clotting – in all women, not just some women, but in all women. They increase pro-clotting factors by 170% and decrease anti-clotting factors by 20%, a change in hemodynamics that all but guarantees a propensity toward body-wide clotting, especially when other health or lifestyle variables are present. No matter the chemistry, however, when clots happen, we all seem genuinely surprised. If the results of this study show anything, it is that birth control induced blood clots are real and should be ruled out first, not last.

Sudden and Slow: The Two Faces of Pulmonary Emboli

One of the key goals of the Real Risk Birth Control Blood Clots study is to identify early warning signs of clotting. To that end, the women who took the survey were asked to identify the presence and severity of 35 symptoms commonly attributed to blood clots, at a month out, a week out, the day before, and the day of, the crisis. Although we found significant linear trends in the escalating severity of many symptoms across time for the group as a whole, more telling were the patterns that emerged when we divided the groups by diagnosis (DVT,  DVT + PE, stroke, etc.). There we see distinct patterns in the type of symptoms as well as the trajectory of expression and severity.

For example, when we look at the patterns of early warning signs of pulmonary emboli, we see two, possibly three, trends emerging. In some women, pulmonary emboli seem to appear suddenly with few if any warning signs. In other women, symptoms either increased over time or waxed and waned (or both), sometimes for months, until reaching an apex of severity. For the latter group, the waxing and waning seemed related to the movement of the clot(s) from the periphery to the lungs. That is, the localized pain, swelling, and temperature changes, either in the legs, pelvis, abdomen, or collarbone regions, would be severe for a week or a month before the event and then dissipate entirely, only to re-emerge as the crushing pain associated with the pulmonary embolism. We will be reporting more details in subsequent articles, but preliminarily, the data and the personal accounts suggest the possibility that PEs may be preventable, if the signs of deep vein thrombosis (DVT) are more readily recognized.

Listed below are descriptions of the events leading up to the crisis reported by women with pulmonary emboli who completed Phase 1 of the Real Risk Birth Control and Blood Clot survey. A similar report was published for women who survived strokes.

Sudden Onset

“my chest hurt to the point I could not lay down or move without excruciating pain” – during the crisis – no symptoms prior.

CS2 reports severe right thigh pain the day of the crisis, as well as moderate chest pain, shortness of breath and fatigue and mild back pain, but nothing before that point. The PE caused low blood pressure. Doctors were unable to detect blood pressure in her right arm.

JR began to experience mild discomfort the day before her crisis. The day of her crisis, she explains, “the symptoms [severe shortness of breath, chest pain, irregular heartbeat, dizziness, blackouts, fatigue, and mild to moderate headache, nausea, difficulty speaking, and stomach pain] worsened as the day went on.” She goes on to say that “right before I passed out and then once when I woke up, it was crushing burning pain and my heart was beating so fast that I couldn’t catch my breath.”

RF’s clots originated in the pelvis and legs and experienced severe pain and swelling in the pelvis the day before her crisis.

Tales of Traveling DVTs

“…right lower calf was swollen and warm to the touch, pain felt like a Charley horse. Chest pain was unbearable. It hurt to breathe and my heart was racing so fast that it hurt.” – per her data, leg pain developed a week before but disappeared; chest and heart pain appeared the day of the crisis; fatigue was moderate to severe from week before.

Twenty year old CS  reported moderate to severe right shoulder and chest pain a month before the crisis, along with moderate fatigue from a week out. The day of the crisis, the pain moved to lower chest. She describes the chest pain as: “Every time I took a breath in it felt like a knife was being stabbed into my chest on the right side.” Like so many others, she was sent home from doctor’s office day of crisis only to return to ER that night to discover her right lung was riddled with clots, necrotic in places.

KM had very few symptoms leading up to her PE, except a “sharp pain deep in my calf – I thought I had a badly pulled muscle or strain my Achilles tendon (up high) while jogging. The pain got much worse if I was standing for long periods of time, but got much better if I exercised.” She also reports shortness of breath climbing stairs or when giving a presentation.

ES described her symptoms: “leg pain felt like a bad cramp, almost as the back of the leg had seized up. I thought it was a pulled muscle because I lacked other symptoms. The PE pain was a crushing, hot pain in my chest, worse when breathing in.” Her leg pain began a month prior to the PE, peaked a week before and then dissipated entirely. While the pain from the PE began a week prior to the crisis and escalated.

FH rates all of the symptoms leading up to the crisis as mild, even though some of the symptoms emerged months before. She chalked up her leg pain to occasional muscle cramps and the shortness of breath to sinus issues.  It wasn’t until she began blacking out that she suspected something more serious was wrong. She notes on the day of the crisis she was cold and her blood pressure was extremely low.

KG reports that “a month before the clots my toes on the right side got red and swollen and felt throbbing. After working out at the gym had chest pain, shortness of breath, [my] ribs hurt, heavy chest that felt like extreme gas pains.”

KD describes how the pain seemed to move with the clot. “The pain in my left quad felt like an injury. Then when it moved to the ribs, it felt like I had pulled ribs. Then when it moved to the right side, it felt like a kidney stone and only hurt bad when I was lying flat on my back. My leg pain, after the clot had already exploded into my lungs, was like a bad Charley horse. My lungs had clots everywhere.”

SD reports severe leg pain 3-4 weeks before experiencing the difficulty breathing associated with her PE.

Waxing and Waning Symptoms

For 43 year old DW symptoms like dizziness, blackouts, and vomiting had emerged a week prior and then dissipated until the day of the event, when they returned along with severe shortness of breath, chest pain and heart palpitations. She describes the pain as “tight legs, stabbing pain and then collapsed. All happened within 5 minutes.

For DD the DVT that preceded the pulmonary emboli “felt exactly like a Charley horse. When it lasted more than two days and I started limping, I knew I needed to consult a nurse at the ER.” She too had symptoms that waxed and waned over the month preceding the crisis.

R indicated that she experienced breathing difficulties and chest pain that would wax and wane over the six months prior to her PE diagnosis and that it wasn’t until a few days before the crisis, that it became severe. “On the second night when I tried to sleep, I had severe pain in my upper back and left side of my chest, which started to radiate up to my neck and left shoulder. I experienced more pain in my chest if I tried to inhale deeply.”

Unremitting Fatigue as a Key but Non-Specific Symptom

Uncharacteristic and unremitting fatigue was one of the most consistently reported symptoms across all time points and diagnoses.

LL reports severe fatigue for at a least a month prior to the crisis as the leading symptoms. She notes the fatigue appeared well before the pain. “The fatigue leading up to this was very bad. It was such a struggle to get out of bed or do anything. It was there a good while before the pain.” She also reports restless legs, and “severe stabbing pains in my back” especially when “bending down to pick something up.”

Breathlessness and Speaking Difficulties

As one would anticipate with pulmonary emboli, difficulty breathing was a cardinal symptom of the impending crisis.

Breathing Difficulties

“felt like I had become rapidly, extremely unfit. Could not walk up the stairs in one go. Was struggling to get enough oxygen.”

J believes her symptoms emerged months before the crisis. She reports a “hairball-like cough” for months that was continually diagnosed as allergies. It was persistent and would not respond to allergy medicine. She experienced moderate to severe fatigue for the month leading up to the crisis, along with moderate to severe shortness of breath, irregular heartbeat, heart palpitations, cough, dizziness and nausea.

LT said “chest wall pain two weeks before diagnosis felt like soreness from lifting weights. When the back pain localized to my side and upper back, it felt like I had pulled muscles in those areas. The shortness of breath felt like I was getting out of breath way too easily; walking 30 feet felt like I had been running for half a mile, and slowly climbing the long escalator out of the subway station felt like I was trying to run up the stairs.”

SM experienced severe shortness of breath for at least a month prior to her diagnosis. She says she felt as though “…the middle of my chest was being pressed or squeezed.”

Speaking Difficulties

Many women report difficulty breathing in the months, week and day before the crisis. Speaking, because of the breathing difficulties, becomes increasingly labored.

NB said she would gasp for breath and was “only able to get 1-2 syllables between gasps.” She said she felt like she “had run for her life and just couldn’t catch my breath.”

JZ felt “very winded, even in casual conversations,” but otherwise didn’t report any symptoms.

Conclusion

These and other personal accounts of birth control-induced blood clots suggest that for many women, early signs are present but not recognized. Similarly, blood clots appear to be distributed throughout the body. This is consistent with the fact that hormonal birth control induces systemic changes in hemodynamics. To fully delineate the risks, however, we need more data. If you or someone you know has suffered from a birth control induced blood clot, please consider participating in the study.

We Need Your Help

More people than ever are reading Hormones Matter, a testament to the need for independent voices in health and medicine. We are not funded and accept limited advertising. Unlike many health sites, we don’t force you to purchase a subscription. We believe health information should be open to all. If you read Hormones Matter, like it, please help support it. Contribute now.

Yes, I would like to support Hormones Matter. 

This article was published originally on November, 2016. We subsequently lost funding to finish this study. Nevertheless, we are still accepting stories about birth induced blood clots. If you’d like to share your story, send us a note: Write for us. Other stories and articles about birth control and blood clots can be read here.   

Photo: autopsy of birth control induced pulmonary emboli in a young woman.  

 

A Pain in the Leg: Blood Clots on Birth Control

20227 views

My experience with blood clots started in 1980 as a 16 year old after Family Planning recommended the pill to me. At the time, I played sport – sailing and ice-hockey, was lean and fit, didn’t drink alcohol nor smoke. I grew up eating mostly home-cooked meals; no junk food or soft drinks.

Within 6 months of going on the pill the only obvious side-effects were weight gain and possibly the migraine headaches that I would sometimes get. Then, at some point, I had leg pain that felt like muscle cramping. I didn’t think or know that this was a side-effect of the pill. I don’t remember being advised about this as a known problem with the pill.

Calf Cramp or Blood Clots?

My right calf muscle would seize with pain and feel very tender. I couldn’t flex my ankle and it became difficult to walk up and down stairs. The pain grew worse over the following few weeks, so mum and I went to the hospital. The doctors in the ER insisted I had pulled a muscle, even though I was certain I had not. At the same time the doctors suggested I return if I felt tingling or if my foot felt cold.

I returned the next day with a cold foot. Again, the doctors measured my calf muscles with no difference between the painful leg and the other leg. A student doctor suspected deep vein thrombosis and after much debate with other doctors, ordered a venogram for the next morning. I was admitted to the hospital. The result was positive and I was bed-bound in hospital for twelve days while taking heparin and warfarin.

While I was in hospital, another teenage girl arrived in my ward. She was flown to Sydney by helicopter from Mudgee with the clots under her upper arm.

Six years later in 1986, after trying several other contraceptive devices, like the diaphragm which popped out of place when I moved, family planning suggested that I go on the ‘mini pill’ as it was a very low dose. After some time, I don’t remember how long, I had the same leg pain, in the same calf muscle.

I knew what it was. After two weeks of hoping it would go away, I went to the hospital ER closest to where I lived. The registrar there would have none of it, even with my history, and refused to check using venogram. Again, there were no visual signs of a blood clot. Just the pain.

So, I traveled over an hour on a train to go to the hospital where I was previously treated. They admitted me straight away and performed a venogram the next morning. The treatment was the same as before.

I’ve not used chemical contraceptives since then. I found naturopath Francesca Naish and followed her natural fertility management program for the rest of my fertile life. I have never had any further issues with blood clotting, even with two pregnancies.

Because of this history, the obstetricians tried to label me as a high-risk pregnancy when I was pregnant, prohibiting me from a natural birth in the birthing centre. After I strongly insisted, they signed me off. I agreed to take a shot of anticoagulant when my baby was born. I had no sign of clots during either of my two pregnancies and delivered both naturally, without pain medication.

I realize I was a very lucky woman.

Real Risk Study: Birth Control and Blood Clots

Lucine Health Sciences and Hormones Matter are conducting research to investigate the relationship between hormonal birth control and blood clots. If you or a loved one have suffered from a blood clot while using hormonal birth control, please consider participating. We are also looking for participants who have been using hormonal birth control for at least one year and have NOT had a blood clot, as well as women who have NEVER used hormonal birth control. For more information or to participate, click here.

We need your help.

Hormones Matter needs funding now. Our research funding was cut recently and because of our commitment to independent health research and journalism unbiased by commercial interests, we allow minimal advertising on the site. That means all funding must come from you, our readers. Don’t let Hormones Matter die.

Yes, I’d like to support Hormones Matter.

Blood Clots: What Women Know Versus What We Should Know

2903 views

I was on the birth control pill for ten years. I knew that it could cause blood clots in women over 35 who smoked. I wasn’t over 35 and I didn’t smoke. That was all I thought I needed to know. Then I had a stroke. It was caused by the pill and a genetic clotting disorder I never knew I had. In fact, I didn’t know there was such a thing as clotting disorders or that I could have one or that in combination with hormonal birth control, it could kill me. And I certainly had no idea what the symptoms of a blood clot were.

What Do We Know? Not Too Much, It Appears

When I began to do research for my thesis, I wanted to know if it was just me or if other women who took the pill were also unaware of clotting disorders and of the symptoms of a blood clot. Spoiler: I wasn’t alone in my ignorance.

I surveyed over 300 women who had taken birth control pills. Among other things, I wanted to know:

  • What did women know about the risks associated with the pill?
  • Were they aware of clotting disorders?
  • Did they know the symptoms of a blood clot?

Survey Results

Neither Women Nor Their Doctors Understand Risks for Blood Clots

The results of the survey showed that women do not clearly understand the risks involved with taking birth control pills. Many of them believe that certain risks are only associated with being over 35 years of age and/or smoking. This is not surprising given that only a little over half said their doctor discussed the risks with them before giving them a prescription. And for a majority of the women, their doctor never discussed other birth control options with them.

Most of the women were asked about their family history before being given a prescription, but fewer than half of their doctors actually discussed it with them, and fewer than a third of the women actually read the risk information that accompanies their prescriptions. That’s not surprising given how dense and misleading the pharmaceutical companies have made risk communication.

When asked whether they were familiar with the symptoms of a blood clot, most women (60.5%) admitted that they were not. Eight women responded that they had learned the symptoms because a family member or friend had a blood clot, and two participants said they had actually had blood clots. One stated, “When I experienced chest pain and did research online. It turned out that I had pulmonary embolisms (while on BCP- birth control pills).” Only 6 out of 311 women reported learning about the symptoms of blood clots from their doctor. Ironically, more women knew someone who had a clot.

At the end of the survey, the participants were invited to share anything further about their experience on the pill. Here are some of their answers:

My experience on birth control pills, the Nuvaring, or Depo-Provera all proved to be horrendous… I think birth control pills came straight from hell and I hate, hate, hate it. I would rather undergo Chinese water torture daily thank take birth control, and that is the God’s honest truth… My fertility has been affected forever by my under informed choice to go on birth control, and by the irresponsible doctors who encouraged me to switch methods rapidly “until I found what worked for me.”

 

I’ve had two different GYNs give me completely contradictory information about the side effects and dangers of BCPs… Overall, I’m surprised at how little doctors seem to know about female BCP- I haven’t experienced this amount of ambiguity with any other medical specialty or problem.

 

I was shocked- and grateful- when I finally found a doctor who discussed alternatives with me, suggested a wide variety of reading, and let me do my own research and make my own decision before wiring[sic] a prescription. After doing the reading, there is no way I will ever take another birth control pill in my life. Every other doctor I had acted like it was giving out Altoids…

 

I think they’re too often the first option doctors prescribe for reasons other than birth control. That’s frustrating. They’re not a magic pill and some doctors seem to think they are.

The bottom line is that most women do not fully understand the risks involved with taking birth control pills and they are not familiar with the symptoms of a blood clot.

At my thesis defense, when I mentioned that most women (over 60%) did not know the symptoms of a blood clot, my advisor asked, “Well, I don’t think that’s so unusual. Do you think most people know what the symptoms of a blood clot are?”

“No, but I think people who have been prescribed a medication that greatly increases their risk of blood clots should be informed of the symptoms,” I responded.

Who Is Responsible?

This is a simple question with a complicated answer. Who is responsible for making sure women who use hormonal contraceptives, especially women who are at a much higher risk for blood clots, understand the symptoms and when to get help? Is it the responsibility of the doctor who prescribed the medication? Or is it the responsibility of the pharmaceutical company to provide clearer information? Or is it the responsibility of the patient?

From my personal experience, I now know that I cannot trust my doctor to always make the right diagnosis and provide the right treatment. Most of their information comes from the pharmaceutical industry who have clearly demonstrated that they put profit first. And our research is showing that their information is not correct. Therefore, I cannot rely on the drug companies to make sure they provide me with accurate and straightforward information about their medications.

So that leaves me. And you. Until we demand a system that puts patients first, a system of health and transparency, we have to put ourselves firsts. How? We do that by listening to our bodies, doing the research, and learning to trust our intuition. That may mean we have to disagree with our doctors. That may mean we have to ask for a second opinion. That may mean we have to insist on being heard. We can’t be afraid of offending someone or “rocking the boat.” We can’t be afraid of being considered hysterical or melodramatic. We can no longer sit back and hope others are making the best decisions for us. We have to educate ourselves. We must be our own advocates. Our lives depend on it.

And we can start by learning the symptoms of a blood clot.

What Are the Symptoms of Blood Clots?

 Blood clot in leg:

  • swelling
  • pain
  • tenderness
  • an unusually warm sensation in the affected area
  • an unusually cold sensation in the affected area (this is per our research, more details to follow)
  • pain in your calf when you stretch your toes upward
  • a pale or bluish discoloration

Blood clot in chest:

  • sudden shortness of breath that can’t be explained by exercise
  • chest pain, may feel like extreme heart burn
  • palpitations, or rapid heart rate
  • breathing problems
  • coughing up blood
  • dizziness (per our research)
  • uncharacteristic fatigue (per our research)

Blood clot in the brain:

  • severe headache
  • loss of speech
  • numbness or tingling of limbs
  • difficulty seeing or changes in vision
  • difficulty speaking or finding words

For more information about blood clots, especially in conjunction with hormonal contraceptive use, click here.

Deep Vein Thrombosis on the Birth Control Pill

2154 views

I got divorced in May 2012. My life was pretty stressful, and I had a very demanding job that took up a lot of my time. I had been getting hormonal migraines for over 10 years when in February 2013, I finally mentioned the migraines to my nurse practitioner. I was desperate for relief. She said, “Why don’t you go on the pill and get rid of your period and then you won’t get the migraines anymore.” I was reluctant since I’m not a band aid type person. I don’t like getting rid of the period to get rid of the migraine. I’d rather go to the source and get rid of it that way, but no one was buying that the migraines were hormonal.

So I began the birth control pills (Loestrin) in February 2013. I was relieved because I had no more headaches! However, I didn’t really feel well despite that. In June, my daughter graduated high school and I looked horrible. Looking back now, my health was going downhill, but I’m not sure exactly what it was due to since I had a lot going on.

We had a busy summer that included a vacation with a long car trip of about 14 hours, split up over two days, to get to our destination, and the same coming home. In retrospect this may have contributed to the blood clots that I developed later in the summer.

On Friday August 2, 2013, I was getting ready for work and started experiencing some pain in my groin, but blew it off. That pain got worse as the day went on. I couldn’t put pressure on my left leg at all. That evening, when I got home from work, my leg was so swollen from my hip to my calf, that I needed help getting my pants off. I couldn’t get out of bed all weekend. On Monday, I faked feeling better because I couldn’t afford to take time off from work for a little pain. I’m a good minimizer of pain. However, on Tuesday, when I went to work and still had a painful and swollen leg, my boss forced me to go to urgent care since I couldn’t find a doctor that could see me.

The doctor at the urgent care couldn’t find anything wrong with me and was just about to send me on my way when he asked if I had family history of clots. I said no. He asked if I was on birth control. I said yes. He sent me for an ultrasound. There was the absolute minimal amount of blood traveling through my left leg because it was so overcome with multiple clots. The doctor wanted to send me to the hospital, but thinking of my kids and being a single mom, I said I couldn’t go. So he gave me Xarelto, an anticoagulant, and I agreed to bed rest until Friday and then I’d see my primary care doctor to see if I was any better.

When I went to my primary care doctor, I was still swollen and could barely put any pressure on my leg. She didn’t even run tests. She sent me straight to the hospital without me knowing what the plan was once I got there. I got out of the car in the hospital parking lot and started walking to the door and fell. My legs gave out. I’m still unclear if that was related to the clots.

When the hospital started admitting me, I was shocked and had to call my daughter to let her know what was going on. I thought I was just getting a bit of treatment at the hospital and going home. I didn’t really realize how serious this was. I asked my kids to meet me at the hospital after school and by the time they got to the hospital, I had undergone surgery to remove the clots and put in two stents to keep the veins open and hopefully clot free.  The next day, they did an ultrasound and saw most of the clots gone, but not all. This was Saturday. So I had to wait until Monday for another surgery.

During all of this they also discovered that I have May-Thurner syndrome, which is when a vein in the pelvis gets compressed by an artery passing over top of it. This causes narrowing and decreased blood flow through the vein that is affected, which increases the risk of deep vein thrombosis in the leg.

I was in the hospital for a week. My hemoglobin levels dropped too low to be released. After being released and going home with a walker to get used to walking again. I started having neurological issues. I ended up in two more hospitals and later found out I had an underlying neurological condition that was now in full force. By October 2013 an ultrasound showed that all of the clots in my leg were gone, but now with my neurological condition, I have a lot more to deal with. To make sure I don’t get another deep vein thrombosis, I also have to be careful with flying or on long car trips to wear compression stockings and make sure I move around every two hours, and of course I won’t be using hormonal birth control again.

Real Risk Study: Birth Control and Blood Clots

Lucine Health Sciences and Hormones Matter are conducting research to investigate the relationship between hormonal birth control and blood clots. If you or a loved one have suffered from a blood clot while using hormonal birth control, please consider participating. We are also looking for participants who have been using hormonal birth control for at least one year and have NOT had a blood clot, as well as women who have NEVER used hormonal birth control. For more information or to participate, click here.

A Stroke From Hormonal Birth Control: Part 3

2922 views

When I was 28 years old, I had a massive stroke (a cerebral venous thrombosis in the sagittal sinus area) from a combination of birth control pills and a fairly common clotting disorder, Factor V Leiden. For more of this story, see Part 1 and Part 2.

Trying to Look Normal

One of my final tests in outpatient rehabilitation was to walk around town without falling down or getting lost. The day I passed that test was also the first day that I went somewhere in public by myself. It was a Subway and I stood in line, my heart pounding. I stared up at the menu to keep from looking around me, trying to ignore the sensation that everyone was staring at me. I was also desperately trying to remember how to order things, pay for things, and appear normal. In my head, I practiced ordering my sandwich over and over. I felt like if I made even a tiny mistake that everyone would be able to tell how broken I was, like they could somehow see the brain damage. I’ve never forgotten that feeling and for a long time I was afraid to tell people about the stroke, scared they would look at me differently. But really I was the one who looked at myself differently. I saw myself as broken. Like my body had failed me. And for a long time I didn’t trust my body.

Living With Fear

What no one tells you about life after something like a stroke is the ongoing fear. I’m going to be on blood thinners, which increase my risk for bleeding out, for the rest of my life. The first time I cut myself, I thought I might die. Panic overtook me and I started sobbing, a paper towel clutched to my finger, too afraid to look at the damage. When I finally peeked and found it was just a nick, I felt like an idiot. But I still avoid melons and gourds, instead buying my butternut squash pre-cut. Just in case.

The first time I had a cold, I thought my sinus headache might be another stroke. The first time I pulled a muscle, I thought I might have a DVT (deep vein thrombosis). The first time I had an asthma attack, I was scared I had a PE (pulmonary embolism). If I hit my head on something, which I’m prone to given how klutzy I am, I would wonder if I might suffer another stroke. After all, the doctors said that once having suffered a stroke, my risk for another was that much greater. At least 25-35% of stroke victims suffer a second. Recurrent strokes often have a higher rate of death and disability because parts of the brain already injured by the original stroke may not be as resilient.

Stressing About Stress- Oh, The Irony!

But those aren’t the only things that scare me. I also worry about stress. When I had the stroke, I was newly married and had moved away from my family for the first time so that my husband could attend graduate school. Before we moved, I had a challenging and exciting career, an identity, and a network of friends and colleagues in a large, diverse city. The small college town in the deep south felt like a foreign country—one where I was known only as “Josh’s wife.” When I had the stroke, I had no close friends and for the first time since I was 16 years old, I was unemployed and having no luck finding work. I was under more stress than I had ever been at that point in my life. Until now.

In the past six months, I’ve been going through a tremendously stressful period. I’ve been tested not by one of the major life stressors, but several at once. And I only recently realized that part of the overwhelming anxiety associated with these situations is the nagging fear that my body “fails” me when I am under so much stress. I’m terrified that I might have another stroke. Because now I actually know what having a stroke means. It means more fear, frustration, stress, self-doubt, identity crisis, feeling helpless, being helpless—and that’s only if you survive.

Getting Off the Blame Train

The on-going message from my doctors, armed with studies funded by the drug manufacturers, was that I was an anomaly. That what happened to me almost never happens. So I figured I must be weaker than other women. My body couldn’t handle birth control pills when millions of other women have no problem with them. At least that’s what the pharmaceutical companies want us to believe.

The consequence of that line of reasoning is that I blamed myself, something I didn’t even realize until I was in a yoga class last year.

When my teacher said, “Forgive yourself for something you think you did wrong,” I wondered what that might be. Then a voice came to me very clearly. “You blame yourself for your stroke,” it said. I sat with that sentence and turned it over in my head, looking at it from all directions. I did blame myself. And I had been blaming myself for nearly 10 years.

I thought writing my thesis had helped close the chapter on what happened to me. But somehow it only reinforced the narrative that I was weak and couldn’t trust my body. Really, I had been living in fear and babying myself for nearly a decade. After class, I made my way to my car, buckled my seatbelt, and cried all the way home.

The repercussions of having a stroke at 28 caused by hormonal birth control and a common clotting disorder still affect me today, in big decisions and little ones—from switching to a new blood thinner (so I no longer have to give myself shots) to wearing a helmet while biking around my neighborhood (since I can’t really afford another brain injury). I may have to live with the fear of having another stroke and the fear of bleeding out. I may have to get my blood checked every six months, wear a medic alert bracelet, use compression socks. But I don’t have to blame myself. The stroke was not my fault. I was failed by a greedy pharmaceutical industry, a society that values profit more than human life, and an overworked and under-informed medical community.

A New Story

I’ve learned that we are the product of the stories we tell ourselves and I have been telling myself the wrong story. I was not failed by my body. I was not weak because I had a stroke. The real story is that I am strong. Unbelievably strong. My body survived a stroke. For a month! My body survived being given medication that should have killed it. My body survived being sent home from the emergency room twice, massive seizures, clots, bleeding, and brain damage. My body recovered. And I am thriving. I am not weak. In fact, I’m stronger than ever and I’m ready to finish the work that I started back in graduate school. I’m ready to stand up and fight for the health and safety of women. And I’m not alone.

These first three articles are just the beginning of my research and exploration of the dangers of hormonal birth control, as well as other women’s health topics. I hope you’ll keep coming back to learn and share what I’ve found. Because despite what the pharmaceutical companies want us to believe, we ARE strong. And we are even stronger when we work together.

Real Risk Study: Birth Control and Blood Clots

Lucine Health Sciences and Hormones Matter are conducting research to investigate the relationship between hormonal birth control and blood clots. If you or a loved one have suffered from a blood clot while using hormonal birth control, please consider participating. We are also looking for participants who have been using hormonal birth control for at least one year and have NOT had a blood clot, as well as women who have NEVER used hormonal birth control. For more information or to participate, click here.